1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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