All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize