Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
