I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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