omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize