I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
