I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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