I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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