Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
