I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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