i jhust puked up my retainher.
Buhtt sex?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
