I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
