FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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