Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
