never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
