Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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