What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
