im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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