In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
