I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
