i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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