smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
