god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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