I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
