at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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