Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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