When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
