based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
