I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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