I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize