I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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