Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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