my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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