So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
