I saw his package. It spoke to me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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