Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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