Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
