Apparently you make a good broom.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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