never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
