the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
