glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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