I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
