Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
