My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
sarcasm needs its own font
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
