Swine flu. Run for my life!
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize