I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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