I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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