I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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