She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
