it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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