the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
