You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
