im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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