chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
