: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
