I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
