I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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