She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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