sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize