ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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