My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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