I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
