I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
